I’ve finally taken a long, deep breath. And it only took 8 ½ months after the birth of my baby.
And through all the overwhelm, the sleep deprivation, the complete uprooting of who I thought I was, and the steepest, darkest learning curve I’ve ever climbed, I’m proud to say I am now back to blogging.
I’m probably a bit wearier, but certainly not warier. Life has served me up one of the most complicated, magical, difficult, joyful, heart exploding challenges…raising a child. Many of you already know this better than I. It guts you like a fish. Your nerve endings are on the surface. You are constantly one greeting card away from a full blubbering meltdown. But as a result, you are also wide open. Your heart is beating on the outside of your chest. And it beats in time with your baby’s every breath, every movement, every smile, every shriek. And that love connection then extends to the rest of the world (well, not until you are getting a decent night’s sleep!).
I’ve never been more grateful.
In fact, I’ve started doing nightly gratitude lists, A to Z. This isn’t something I thought of, all on my own. If you’ve ever been to an Al Anon meeting, maybe you heard this suggestion there. This exercise never fails to put a smile on my face. I get all warm and fuzzy. And to be perfectly honest, it usually puts me right to sleep. So if you are staying up nights, anxious about a presentation, or about your child’s behavioral problems, this might do the trick. You might not even get through the entire alphabet. Mostly, I am fast asleep somewhere in the LMNOP section.
Here is today’s, which I did in the morning, so I wouldn’t fall asleep on the job!
Acceptance. Radical acceptance of what is. Even when it sucks. Especially when it sucks. When you achieve this, tell me how you did it.
Boundaries. Set boundaries (i.e. say NO a lot) so you can be more compassionate when the world calls upon you to do so.
Compassion. Thank you to anyone who has ever showed him/herself or another compassion. It makes this world a better place.
Dad. My Dad. And dads everywhere. Thank you for loving your little ones. Even when they get big and annoying, like say, around age 13. Your love is the foundation upon which their self-worth will be built.
Exercise. Equals Endorphins. A natural high. And an amazing form of self-care.
Freedom. The freedom to be 100% your authentic self. And understanding that there will be people who love you for it, and people who hate you for it. So be it. And fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
Google. Because sometimes you really need to know who that actor was in that movie about bank robbers and surfers. No not Keanu. No not Swayze. It happens more and more, as I get older.
Home. That feeling of being totally at ease, in your cozy, safe, beautiful sanctuary. Maybe you are even at home in your own skin. God bless you for that.
Intelligence. May we all use it wisely.
Jackpot. Here’s hoping that you and I both hit one.
Kaia. My Kaia Bear. My sweet baby. My treasure. My love. My everything.
Laughing. Laughing til your belly hurts and tears are streaming down your face. Laughing til you get the hiccups. That is the absolute best feeling in the world. We could all stand to lighten up a little. In fact, even this list is getting way too serious.
Mom. My mom. Moms everywhere. We are the secret super heroes. I hope you each know & honor your super powers.
Nieces and nephews. Because you get to love all over them, but aren’t responsible for managing their temper tantrums or bedtime.
Ocean. B/c it’s salty and freezing and alive. And the waves will pummel you if you aren’t careful. What a reminder of how small we humans are and how infinite the world is.
Peter. Best partner and incredible father of my child.
Queer. I’m so grateful about the fact that our world has changed to better embrace gender fluidity. A NYT article said it best, “Gender is more like music. Each of us has a key and a range with which we are most comfortable. Attuned to ourselves and to one another, we can find happiness and harmony.” YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS.
Reboot. We all work better after a reboot. So shut down for a few minutes. Whatever that looks like for you. Meditating. Needlepoint. Taking a walk. Then revisit the crisis at hand. It may not even feel as much like a crisis any longer.
Sleep. Me sleeping 6+ hours at night. My baby sleeping through the night. My baby napping. Oh blessed, heavenly sleep.
Twins. I have the privilege of being a twin. To be so intrinsically and intricately connected to another human, well, it’s borderline mystical. I feel so lucky to have always had an intuitive friend, an understanding advocate, a teammate, a soul mate, a sympathetic therapist, and a sister, all in one.
Universe. It’s infinite, and wondrous, and we are a part of it. Ponder that for a minute. It makes me realize every one of us is oooooh so tiny, but also ooooooh so special.
Value. May you always know your worth.
Wine. But I’m old now, so it has to be good wine. Minus the hangover.
X-ray. B/c they show us our insides. Even after all these years, that’s pretty cool to see. Less so, when I’m running late for a flight, and TSA stops me.
You. If you are reading this, you are a part of my life. And I am grateful for you.
Zipper on my jacket, which can entertain my daughter for hours.