Uncharted Terrain

It can feel easy when it feels good.  You can feel unstoppable when you have a goal and the kind of drive I have.  So what is this stage I’m in right now?  Where not only do I feel like I am changing, but the terrain has shifted as well.  Walls and constructs have come down, but no one has given me a map for how to navigate this newly seen world.  I’m confused and uncertain.  So I quit.  Or at least I stop.  No, that even that word, STOP, is a rose coloring of the truth.  Right now, I am paralysed.

Hell, I can’t even spell paralysed right. Or at least this site has underlined it in RED as I type.  Maybe the universe is calling attention to the word b/c it’s calling me out, calling bullshit on my self-loathing.  I’m doing my best not to self-loathe, but rather to notice my actions (or inaction, rather).  When I am certain about something, I go after it with everything I have.  And so I did.

And I think I am well on my way to crafting this newly perfect ideal life – and BOOM!  Inaction. Paralysis. Time Wasting. Procrastination. Stagnation. Small steps towards the life I think I want to make, suddenly aren’t small at all. They are overwhelming and loom large. I am unable to even write in this blog on a weekly basis, which is a commitment I made to myself.  What does this mean?  Does it mean I no longer want to work for myself? Does it mean I should go back to Corporate America?  What do I want? Who am I?  What makes me happy?  How do I feel gratified and fulfilled? Doing nothing sure ain’t it. I know that.

So it’s the darndest thing, that I am currently finding a million ways to be unproductive.  My boyfriend calls this a form of gravity.  Which can fight us on our chosen path.  He says just like there is light, there is darkness.  And sometimes the darkness places obstacles in our way. For me, I get the double whammy.  B/c I’m so conditioned to always act, achieve, do – that as soon as I DON’T act, produce, achieve, perform… an old soundtrack that used to run through my mind begins: “you aren’t doing enough”.  The voice inside my head would, in the past, be filled with ire and judgment. The tone hurtful and nasty. But instead, I am pausing that old tape, acknowledging it, owning my paralysis as part of the journey.  As opposed to beating myself up about it.  When inaction feels uncomfortable enough I suppose I will act.  Until then, I’m being a bit gentler with myself.  A bit kinder.  B/c those hurtful words I used on myself in the past, might have once worked to get my ass moving.  (A stick, not a carrot, certainly).  But I was sad, and mad and resentful in the process. And shit… that voice might have sent me in a direction I was never meant to go.  Taking me the longer way home.  So instead, I am going to be enough… even if I’m only going to watch an episode of Downton Abbey or take a bath or bake homemade chocolate chip cookies or do the dishes or go to the grocery store or update my facebook status.

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